This year

Its almost the end of this year... a year where i travelled much and experienced more... i let go of many and found some i had lost... and i wrote a lot of these down and never published them.

Today i found some peace and sanity and with maybe a tiny feeling of wanting to weep over the past i went through and all that i was feeling at those moments... some were quite intense and some were so cliche... random and unique.... makes me wonder what i was looking for or as they say maybe its just apparent madness and i know the answers i seek...

Story 1 (already published)

Story 2 (incomplete and finished)

hey,
i am never going to publish this but hell sometimes its just good to write without it being meant to show because there is so much to say and keep saying.

I think you have a very effective and brilliant front to keep you safe. Rational, calm, polite, refined, even demeanour and so in control. I say its brilliant not because of the qualities of your facade which are impressive but because i fell for it. Big time. I got cowed, unsure, self-doubted and so became so very foolish and timid. Damn! your good.

When i say facade i don't think it means that its untrue. I just think its part of the story. A story which didn't get a happy ending you wanted and you blame yourself for it. Like you had the most obvious start to a fairytale but yours also had darkness like that of Grimm brothers. Like a happy ever you wanted but never thought you deserved. Honestly i didn't care that much about the beginning but kept wondering about the grimness. But i never did find out. Cause that is the one thing your so scared of -sharing. So i hope your safe now. Safe and dark.

Story 3 ( 2Acts - part1)

Romance can never been typed in words and articulated in said words ..... to say that is has been talked about.. experienced uniquely and felt in the marrow of oneself is more possible but can never been categorized or generalized in however clever words and phrases.

What is romance? love? the one? that feeling?

For every person this word invites a new definition, a new person who could be like a lighting running through your veins. For me today as i stand and feel liberated and stand taller than my 5ft 2inches and make my say that i found my romance and it is all about living life. i found it in a person's eyes, his words voicing those in my head, he made me break away from the person i had become to the person i am. Every time i looked at him it was surreal. I don't know what i did but it felt so right and made sense to me. I could keep looking at him looking at me till i finally understood. To be free. So free.

I experienced in a few hours what i haven't so far in 30 years. I wasn't looking for anything and yet i found so many answers without the strangeness of inexperience. No trying to define it. A shared intensity. We laughed, fought, discovered and kept being amazed at each hour. Somewhere in those hours i became the person i could be by not finding the answers in the norm or making myself the answer. I was alive in those hours. So Alive.

I don't know whats next.. in fact if there is a next. But i do know that this will always be special for me. What happened that weekend will always make me feel exactly the way it did and that no future or present can mar that time. One can never forget the feelings on soaring even after being grounded. I know some your scars and you know some of mine and maybe we might never be able to overcome all of them. But for a brief time we shared all that was sunny within and that brilliance has been captured and kept safe within. So I'm glad i stumbled on you, and whatever may or may not happen I'm glad that i found how brightly i can shine.

Story 3 ( 2Acts - part2)

Ying-Yang. Bright-sad. Happy-angry. Loved-neglected. Affectionate-thoughtless. There-invisible.

I gave it a shot. Did you? Did you wonder, as i did sitting in that chair you love, where am i? Do you know how it felt to see the darkness with your shape and wanting to see your face instead? do you know how it felt being hacked in pieces when you refused to see me with you.

You changed me then and you changed me now. I guess your my metamorphosing agent. I could never regret being with you and all that i have remembered about myself being with you. I would never look back and undo the moments of sadness induced by you. I found myself in all those moments. And god what a woman i found myself to be.

As wishes go i can only have one. I wish you could have kept your promise of being honest and straight with me. That you would have sensed how that would have made me only stronger in giving you a self never given before. I'm stronger for having met you and made stronger still now that i know what i could have been for you. I didn't hold back and that's more than most do in life. So no regrets stranger. I bid you adieu with an unbearable lightness of being.

Many stories i weave and some more i enact. Maybe its the feelings i need... trying to remember who i am through those who don't ... harnessing strength to move on and keep testing myself to become the willow i need to be... no longer i want to find a true love (if i ever did).. this lifetime is going to be about me.. ill find him some other time.

(+) + (+) = ?

So my theory was based on the imperial mathematical formula.. (+) + (+) = positive (always) (is it an imperial?). Right? hmmmm.... maybe not... especially when applied to humans but to be fair no formula can be applied in general specially to homo sapient (HS). We tend to work with murphy's laws better than with formulas. We all know what happens with Murphy's law and HS: The Hulk!

Thus, the new rationale driven organized well planned (in short a 30 yr old OCD'd) individual that i have evolved thought hey! why not try applying logic to an HS and who else is a better guinea pig than myself? So my derivation of this formula for HS was simple. If two positive individuals come together in a relationship it should have a positive affect on both and should conclude in the always desired happy ever after kinda mushy stuff. Of course i should have tried qualifying 'positive individual'. I think i wouldn't have selected myself if i had defined that element beforehand. Well as a friend said 'in hindsight we are all geniuses!' Amen!

So yes that was the notion. The outlook. The retarded positivism that i specialize in and make a cake of which usually all over my face at the end. This began the series of unexplained and previously unpublished experiences (now published as 'This year"). At the end of this hardcore experiment i will only say if life was as evident as a mathematical formulae then Newton would have found Eve and not the apple.

Amen!

A long time ago...

A long time ago... i knew he was going to call... i wanted him to call though i didn't know him... he called and i said a 'Hi!'... i infused mine with all the allure and seductiveness of a young lady trying on her first pretty dress. Sounding gratifyingly impressed he said Hi back laced with charm and warmth of already figuring out my secrets.... it lasted few seconds.. i wanted to say Hi again, this time with a tendril of curiosity as my heart felt familiar with him... strange impression his voice made inside me somewhere...almost like someday he will be there tucking my moppie hair back and that he will love all my secrets.

Those few seconds were all that happened, i broke back into giggly madness.. i gave the phone to my friend... laughing uproariously to hide from these impressions and tucking my heart safe with a joke or two. Maybe i was scared but maybe i had read just way too many M&Bs.

Later in the years i got acquainted with him, we lost touch, then found myself working with him for a short span and then we got lost in the crowd again and met again. Every time he entered my life it was at different junctions of my life and every time he came i wanted to ask him out more strongly than the last time...never did... His happiness always seemed to lie elsewhere...i wanted his time in my life to be fun, amazing and non-complicated. Asking him out would have kind of mangled all of that plus i took longer than most girls to stop beating the guys i liked.

As i write that moment down today, i can still remember the Hi and the feelings it created in me. I also know that it reads as corny as it felt at that time and yet i wouldn't change a single word. This memory really was and is that corny and yet i cherish it. But it is only today that i found the strength to acknowledge it.

Through all my self concocted turbulations and madness as a woman i have invented my own random-fangled philosophies to describe all what i never wanted to acknowledge. I have done all that i could to forget anyone or any moment where i felt the stillness was too deep. I have kept myself occupied and my heart safe from too many questions. Almost like a sergeant i have made a code of being never showing weakness.

So why today? Maybe because today i understand why i long for him.. maybe because after knowing him so much more with time i understand why he only gets dearer ... maybe because i am going to lose him even though he was never mine... maybe because i love him quietly and that i finally understand why he will never reciprocate my feelings and maybe because this time i was going to ask him out.