A long time ago... i knew he was going to call... i wanted him to call though i didn't know him... he called and i said a 'Hi!'... i infused mine with all the allure and seductiveness of a young lady trying on her first pretty dress. Sounding gratifyingly impressed he said Hi back laced with charm and warmth of already figuring out my secrets.... it lasted few seconds.. i wanted to say Hi again, this time with a tendril of curiosity as my heart felt familiar with him... strange impression his voice made inside me somewhere...almost like someday he will be there tucking my moppie hair back and that he will love all my secrets.
Those few seconds were all that happened, i broke back into giggly madness.. i gave the phone to my friend... laughing uproariously to hide from these impressions and tucking my heart safe with a joke or two. Maybe i was scared but maybe i had read just way too many M&Bs.
Later in the years i got acquainted with him, we lost touch, then found myself working with him for a short span and then we got lost in the crowd again and met again. Every time he entered my life it was at different junctions of my life and every time he came i wanted to ask him out more strongly than the last time...never did... His happiness always seemed to lie elsewhere...i wanted his time in my life to be fun, amazing and non-complicated. Asking him out would have kind of mangled all of that plus i took longer than most girls to stop beating the guys i liked.
As i write that moment down today, i can still remember the Hi and the feelings it created in me. I also know that it reads as corny as it felt at that time and yet i wouldn't change a single word. This memory really was and is that corny and yet i cherish it. But it is only today that i found the strength to acknowledge it.
Through all my self concocted turbulations and madness as a woman i have invented my own random-fangled philosophies to describe all what i never wanted to acknowledge. I have done all that i could to forget anyone or any moment where i felt the stillness was too deep. I have kept myself occupied and my heart safe from too many questions. Almost like a sergeant i have made a code of being never showing weakness.
So why today? Maybe because today i understand why i long for him.. maybe because after knowing him so much more with time i understand why he only gets dearer ... maybe because i am going to lose him even though he was never mine... maybe because i love him quietly and that i finally understand why he will never reciprocate my feelings and maybe because this time i was going to ask him out.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Very heavy. I will sidestep the usual M&B mocking (I'll save that for chat-time) and try to post a serious comment here :)
I will always maintain that you can't "know" how someone will react until they actually react. You should tell him if you feel it. If it's not reciprocated, eh, there are other fish in the sea(of course, assuming there's no other impropriety with this relationship).
But what do I know? I'm a sap :)
P.S: If you're writing again, you may want to consider an alternate blog name... I can't even remember why we found this so funny at the time! Just sayin' :D
Post a Comment