Today i found some peace and sanity and with maybe a tiny feeling of wanting to weep over the past i went through and all that i was feeling at those moments... some were quite intense and some were so cliche... random and unique.... makes me wonder what i was looking for or as they say maybe its just apparent madness and i know the answers i seek...
Story 1 (already published)
Story 2 (incomplete and finished)
hey,
i am never going to publish this but hell sometimes its just good to write without it being meant to show because there is so much to say and keep saying.
I think you have a very effective and brilliant front to keep you safe. Rational, calm, polite, refined, even demeanour and so in control. I say its brilliant not because of the qualities of your facade which are impressive but because i fell for it. Big time. I got cowed, unsure, self-doubted and so became so very foolish and timid. Damn! your good.
When i say facade i don't think it means that its untrue. I just think its part of the story. A story which didn't get a happy ending you wanted and you blame yourself for it. Like you had the most obvious start to a fairytale but yours also had darkness like that of Grimm brothers. Like a happy ever you wanted but never thought you deserved. Honestly i didn't care that much about the beginning but kept wondering about the grimness. But i never did find out. Cause that is the one thing your so scared of -sharing. So i hope your safe now. Safe and dark.
i am never going to publish this but hell sometimes its just good to write without it being meant to show because there is so much to say and keep saying.
I think you have a very effective and brilliant front to keep you safe. Rational, calm, polite, refined, even demeanour and so in control. I say its brilliant not because of the qualities of your facade which are impressive but because i fell for it. Big time. I got cowed, unsure, self-doubted and so became so very foolish and timid. Damn! your good.
When i say facade i don't think it means that its untrue. I just think its part of the story. A story which didn't get a happy ending you wanted and you blame yourself for it. Like you had the most obvious start to a fairytale but yours also had darkness like that of Grimm brothers. Like a happy ever you wanted but never thought you deserved. Honestly i didn't care that much about the beginning but kept wondering about the grimness. But i never did find out. Cause that is the one thing your so scared of -sharing. So i hope your safe now. Safe and dark.
Story 3 ( 2Acts - part1)
Romance can never been typed in words and articulated in said words ..... to say that is has been talked about.. experienced uniquely and felt in the marrow of oneself is more possible but can never been categorized or generalized in however clever words and phrases.
What is romance? love? the one? that feeling?
For every person this word invites a new definition, a new person who could be like a lighting running through your veins. For me today as i stand and feel liberated and stand taller than my 5ft 2inches and make my say that i found my romance and it is all about living life. i found it in a person's eyes, his words voicing those in my head, he made me break away from the person i had become to the person i am. Every time i looked at him it was surreal. I don't know what i did but it felt so right and made sense to me. I could keep looking at him looking at me till i finally understood. To be free. So free.
I experienced in a few hours what i haven't so far in 30 years. I wasn't looking for anything and yet i found so many answers without the strangeness of inexperience. No trying to define it. A shared intensity. We laughed, fought, discovered and kept being amazed at each hour. Somewhere in those hours i became the person i could be by not finding the answers in the norm or making myself the answer. I was alive in those hours. So Alive.
I don't know whats next.. in fact if there is a next. But i do know that this will always be special for me. What happened that weekend will always make me feel exactly the way it did and that no future or present can mar that time. One can never forget the feelings on soaring even after being grounded. I know some your scars and you know some of mine and maybe we might never be able to overcome all of them. But for a brief time we shared all that was sunny within and that brilliance has been captured and kept safe within. So I'm glad i stumbled on you, and whatever may or may not happen I'm glad that i found how brightly i can shine.
Story 3 ( 2Acts - part2)
Ying-Yang. Bright-sad. Happy-angry. Loved-neglected. Affectionate-thoughtless. There-invisible.
I gave it a shot. Did you? Did you wonder, as i did sitting in that chair you love, where am i? Do you know how it felt to see the darkness with your shape and wanting to see your face instead? do you know how it felt being hacked in pieces when you refused to see me with you.
You changed me then and you changed me now. I guess your my metamorphosing agent. I could never regret being with you and all that i have remembered about myself being with you. I would never look back and undo the moments of sadness induced by you. I found myself in all those moments. And god what a woman i found myself to be.
As wishes go i can only have one. I wish you could have kept your promise of being honest and straight with me. That you would have sensed how that would have made me only stronger in giving you a self never given before. I'm stronger for having met you and made stronger still now that i know what i could have been for you. I didn't hold back and that's more than most do in life. So no regrets stranger. I bid you adieu with an unbearable lightness of being.
Many stories i weave and some more i enact. Maybe its the feelings i need... trying to remember who i am through those who don't ... harnessing strength to move on and keep testing myself to become the willow i need to be... no longer i want to find a true love (if i ever did).. this lifetime is going to be about me.. ill find him some other time.
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